The Modern Day Warrior

How often do you hear that with excitement. I’m off to battle more.

After talking with my team tonight, they helped me put things in perspective. I need to finally fucking man up and deal with pricks bullshit. It’s exactly that. Everytime I do something for the team he
has a problem with it. F.E.A.R was a damn good idea – Stealth combat, almost suiting. I have been too quiet for way to fucking long.

I need to loose this morale leech and prove to that little shit that he leaves (permanently i can hope) but that we don’t just do well, that we hit #1 – My team is standing up to him, and sometimes I feel like I’m a boy in a world of men. I need to take control of my life, I need to see that not only do people see me as a leader, but a damn good one. I will not go for the promotion today until i can feel adequate. People tell me i’m good, Self Esteem says otherwise, and ultimately I need to do
this for myself and for the team.

Hate me for being myself, Hate me because I’m doing my job – I believe I have broken the right ties in the team so that I can do this. I need to be understanding, I do not need to be compassionate. The team will see this change tomorrow. or should I say tonight.

This weekend, I embraced a side of me that I have not seen in quite some time.

I went with my friends to Club Hell. I walked in and although I have
not been in the scene in quite some time I brought back a lot of old
memories. The scene has not changed since i left. It’s the same people
- the same drama – I enjoy the experience but seem to continue to be
lost – I cannot find my true self. I wonder if I am stuck in a cycle,
everytime i get to a depressing point in my life I get industrial. They
accept everyone – The believe that it’s not what you do in the day, its
the ability to tell yourself who you really are.

God, if that were only true, I wouldn’t have to do this. This Hurts me,
The pain inside me escapes into my mind, destroying self confidence and
leaving me timid and unable to stand. Is this how I get to be, in a
position of power and feeling utterly helpless to defending it.

So I’m sitting here after a nice long night waiting to begin my
“leadership” training, I have to laugh at that idea. Can Leadership
really be taught or is it a natural instinct. Why do people run in when
something is saying help me and other’s run away. Leader’s can and do
both. The reason why is because people have a natural curiousity of
what they can and cannot see. Leadership is not about taking lead of a
situation. I believe that leadership is being able to bring the best
out of people. By allowing someone else to run into the fire. Not you..
Leadership requires developing commitments from those around you to
sacrifice time, money, efforts to make you happier, to enrich the
leaders life. Leadership also can be a path to building enemies.
Because no matter how good of a leader you are there is going to be
defector’s those who did not take into account your teachings, or those
who saw your better life and decided that they were not for betterment
of the collective, but themselves.

I believe myself to be a leader. I train my team to better
themselves and by bettering themselves, yes it does better my and my
lifestyle but its developing them to take the control, to tease the
leadership qualities out of themselves. Focus on the good, focus on the
areas that growing to a climax. So my ideals of leadership are by
building their personalities and self development, it leads to the
development of my self image. That is my true fullfillment in my team.
I am never more proud than when I see a team member leave my team
because they think they are at a better moment in their life.